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screaming for you

Below are the 3 most recent journal entries.


  2007.12.12  16.38

tomorrow wasn't welcome as i knew ahead of time it would steal your warmth away from me. you are the only other person that knows what it is to have a moment of time taken away from you. these days i'm not content. was i ever? i can't remember. i feel like time is sped up because i'm thinking too slowly. tonight is the last time i can come to you and i think i may pass up the opportunity. i have to step like i'm playing hopscotch to avoid all of these possibilities. i always did invite trouble. but i know what it's like to be plagued by the thought of having you, i knew it well then and i know it well now. this is carrying on for far too long, we should accept that this isn't probable and move on with our lives.. but i couldn't do that years ago and i am sure i'm incapable this time as well.. this will always be available to us, as i'm attracted to you like static and there's nothing else i want.. but i know the day i stop getting the feeling like i didn't take an opportunity i will be unmistakably ecstatic.


  2007.12.11  05.00

i wonder how many words i've spent trying to describe how i feel about matthew over the years. he seems to make it necessary to explain myself, i always feel as if i need to explain everything to myself after i've been around him. i can remember just going over to his house, and i know now that every time i wanted him. it could be that he was stolen from me, it could be that i'm just attracted to everything about him, or it could be that he's so unavailable to me. i'm sure that i will never be able to fully know why he's so essential. 

i jumped in the bed and rushed under the covers as he stood there and dressed for bed, simply and effortlessly yet not assured. i'm not sure why i didn't just ask him if i could sleep there, he made it so easy. but i didn't feel it was possible to ask him. he makes me feel like a small girl, who needs to be straightened out and tended to. his blankets seemed welcoming and endlessly comfortable, and were. he got into bed and we talked for a bit, about what i'm not sure. we slept without touching, the situation seemed forced at first and obvious and controlled. i woke up later in the night and wanted badly to be close to him, it's what i'd wanted to begin with. but my words are always suppressed, now that i think about it, i can think of a time on every occasion of talking to him that i've debated whether to say something or not. but i moved a tad closer and i may have imagined it but so did he. i turned over and met his bare back, my hands folded neatly behind him and his smell all around me. i can remember that smell so vividly. it encompasses you.. it's hard to describe. then eventually, when it became lighter outside, i wrapped my arm around him and pulled him closer, and i am sure i felt him being relieved, for i think he was awake as well, by a small movement and exhale of comfort. i woke up some time later to it being completely light, and he was still sleeping the other way, and i could see his tattoo which for some reason i am so enamored with.. it wasn't there the last time i saw his bare back that closely. and he was so calm and comfortable. i went back to sleep and the woke up later, and he was scratching my arm above my elbow lightly, and i was sleeping in the curve of his arm against his chest. i don't know how to say that i was completely relaxed, but i was.. he would scratch my back like he did my arm and i can remember thinking that he was the only thing i wanted for christmas.


  2004.11.30  17.10